There are plenty of sayings about being happy with what you have because there are so many who have less, but in truth if you are not happy with what you have or where you are I don't feel that it's overly selfish to change the situation or the setting. Riding my motorcycle to work this morning and walking to the library I began enumerating what makes me unhappy. Most of it centered on my physical state but even that was highly focused on things over which I have complete control, e.g. weight, physique, etc. I have no real problems with my face or my hair or other things which would require serious surgical intervention. I know that by eating well and exercising I can alter my physical appearance to something with which I am comfortable. I also know that by achieving these goals I can reverse the diabetes and stave off the impending degradations of aging. However, my physical state is not the only concern. This past winter was the worst I have ever had. The depression was just crushing and I found myself honestly not caring about anything, including myself. It was terrifying and I felt like I was outside looking in. Needless to say I am NOT ok with this mental state. I am loathe to take any medication and the prospect of adding an anti-depressant was awful. However, I finally reached a point where I talked with my physician about it and we decided to try Paxil. I haven't actually tried it yet because of a REALLY bad reaction with Lexapro, but I still have the pills. This basically scared me straight about diet at least. I went back to my carb controlled diet and immediately started feeling better. My sugars have been much more stable and I have actually been to the gym a few times. That said, I have come to the FIRM conclusion that the place where I live is one of the major factors in my depression. It's a quaint, quiet little town with absolutely nothing to do that appeals to me. It's a great place to raise a family in quiet safety, but it simply is not for me. This is where I have to examine why I should be grateful. I am grateful for the opportunity to do the work I've been doing for the past 2 years and I don't regret a second of that experience. However, I simply cannot live here anymore. I have serious concerns about what another winter here would do to both my mental and physical state. It's not that I hate winter, but I can't say that it's my favorite season. In fact, I can't blame it entirely on the weather because I suspect the crushing boredom of the place complicates the weather issues. Simply put, South Dakota is a nice place for many people, just not for me. Thus, I am not thankful for being here and I want to leave as soon as possible.
The point I'm trying to make is that one should be grateful for the good things in life but should also never settle for things that do not make one happy. I try to keep things scenario based and I was just thinking how I would feel if I knew I had a serious health condition or only had x number of years to live. I sure as hell wouldn't spend another minute in South Dakota. It's not to say that I would settle in any particular place but I would certainly want to be somewhere with many more options for entertainment. I think potential is the most satisfying part of anyone's life. I know that I feel happiest when I know that there is the potential for doing something different. I don't actually have to go here or do that, but I want the option of doing it should I choose. I want to be able to go to the ocean and put my feet in the water if I wish, or walk around a vibrant downtown, or shop at IKEA, or see an IMAX movie, or go to see a play, etc. I want the potential, and having potential would make me infinitely grateful and satisfied. What depresses me most in life is the thought that I should be grateful for settling for less than what I want. I may never have all that I want, but if I don't try then I truly will feel the failure. I'm in a good mindset right now and trying to find the factors that help maintain that position. I know that if I can find the small things that DO make me happy here where I don't want to be that I will be even more successful when I'm somewhere that I DO want to live. That is what I think is the true key to happiness.
