Fallen off the edge . . .

I'm not sure what I find most frustrating in life, whiny students who don't take responsibility for their own learning, an overwhelming sense that so much of what we do in our daily lives is pointless, the knowledge that no one alive in 100 years will remember me or care what I did in/with my life, the realization that at mid-life (hopefully) that I still have so far to go to attain nirvana, or that most of the people on the planet are simply ignorant cattle.  Of course there are many more thoughts to accompany these but right now, education is on the front burner.

I've noticed over the past few years that student evaluations have become super important in developing/shaping curriculum, evaluating faculty, and guiding the educational experience.  Honestly, I wonder what the prison system would look like if the inmates got to shape it to their liking.  I've been a student and faculty member for many, many years and I think I have a fairly decent perspective on the issue.  How is a student supposed to have any idea of the larger picture?  Yes, they have their own life experiences and perspectives, but their opinions seem to be amplified to an amazingly high level all of a sudden.  When they complain the administration listens because, of course, they know best.

I know that not all students appreciate my perspective or how I choose to run the courses I teach, but that is life.  I teach from a very specific place . . .  self-directed learning.  I do so not because I'm lazy but because I want my students to take responsibility for their learning.  As adults we do not always have the luxury of having someone structure a learning environment for us.  We have to seek, understand, and incorporate information and processes into our lives of our own accord.  As an instructor it is my obligation to expose students to new ideas, concepts, and resources but it is up to the student to evaluate and respond.  I cannot and will not tell them how to interpret things.  That is the learning process.  I offer my perspective and they are free to listen or not.

I am sorry if you feel left on your own or that you have to "teach yourself" about certain topics.  That's the bloody point.  We constantly teach ourselves about new things and formal education is no different.  If you want someone to show you everything and hold your hand, then go back to elementary school.  As a graduate student I took on a thesis topic about which I knew virtually nothing.  By that I mean that I had never had a formal class in primatology and I wrote my thesis on primate behavior.  It was something of a unique situation but I TAUGHT MYSELF primatology by reading, by seeking out new literature, by THINKING about what I found and EVALUATING what I read.  I TAUGHT MYSELF out of need and let me assure you that I paid money for the experience because that is how institutions of higher education make money.

Honestly, graduate school is the point where you learn to walk on your own.  If you think that you are paying good money and not being led by the hand then you are really clueless about the process.  You should be an independent thinker by that point.  You need a guide/mentor not a teacher.  I can guide you to lots of information but criticizing my class on library reference work for not providing you with articles to read is rather ridiculous.  Here's a thought, use some of your new found knowledge to FIND some articles yourself.  I take the time to record video responses and share a global perspective in a more visual format rather than just typing away in endless chat rooms but some folks seem to feel that I am disconnected.  I'm sorry, but I'm not coming to your living room and holding your hand and showing you the path through the gingerbread forest.  THAT is what this process is about.  You have to find your own way.  You will learn this when you are out in the working world and you have to do it there.  I can honestly hope that you will look back on the experience and be glad that there was an instructor in your past who allowed you the time to figure out how to navigate the process on your own.  I hope that you will have the wherewithal to think, "wait, I've done this before and I will be fine.  I had someone who cared to show me a few things and let me get my feet wet before I had to jump into the deep end of the pool."

For those of you who enjoyed my classes and "got" what I kept preaching, great.  You are the few of exceptional talent, understanding, and intellect who will succeed and excel.  For those of you who whined that I didn't hold your hand or that you had to teach yourself or that you could have just "read the book" and saved your money . . .  good luck.  Those in the latter category are the speed bumps who keep the profession underpaid and undervalued.  For those who cried about substantive feedback . . .  here it is.  I have laid it out for you.  It's quite simple.  I've given you many opportunities to play with resources and see how they work for you.  I've given you many, many questions to see how and where to find answers.  There is no "one" path to an answer.  There are many resources and many paths.  I refuse to beat students about the head with the "one way to the light" ideology of reference.

I could go on ad nauseum but I believe I'm just out of steam and caring at this point.  I have had the pleasure of working with many wonderful, intelligent students over the years.  I've also had the pleasure of working with many average students who are happy to learn a little and then go on with their lives.  Unfortunately, I've also had the great dishonor of dealing with some whiny little shits who don't get it and probably never will.  To those I can only say that yes, you should believe your mommy when she tells you you're an angel . . .

</rant>

Happiness where you are . . .

There are plenty of sayings about being happy with what you have because there are so many who have less, but  in truth if you are not happy with what you have or where you are I don't feel that it's overly selfish to change the situation or the setting.  Riding my motorcycle to work this morning and walking to the library I began enumerating what makes me unhappy.  Most of it centered on my physical state but even that was highly focused on things over which I have complete control, e.g. weight, physique, etc.  I have no real problems with my face or my hair or other things which would require serious surgical intervention.  I know that by eating well and exercising I can alter my physical appearance to something with which I am comfortable.  I also know that by achieving these goals I can reverse the diabetes and stave off the impending degradations of aging.  However, my physical state is not the only concern.  This past winter was the worst I have ever had. The depression was just crushing and I found myself honestly not caring about anything, including myself.  It was terrifying and I felt like I was outside looking in.  Needless to say I am NOT ok with this mental state.  I am loathe to take any medication and the prospect of adding an anti-depressant was awful.  However, I finally reached a point where I talked with my physician about it and we decided to try Paxil.  I haven't actually tried it yet because of a REALLY bad reaction with Lexapro, but I still have the pills.  This basically scared me straight about diet at least.  I went back to my carb controlled diet and immediately started feeling better.  My sugars have been much more stable and I have actually been to the gym a few times.  That said, I have come to the FIRM conclusion that the place where I live is one of the major factors in my depression.  It's a quaint, quiet little town with absolutely nothing to do that appeals to me.  It's a great place to raise a family in quiet safety, but it simply is not for me.  This is where I have to examine why I should be grateful.  I am grateful for the opportunity to do the work I've been doing for the past 2 years and I don't regret a second of that experience.  However, I simply cannot live here anymore.  I have serious concerns about what another winter here would do to both my mental and physical state.  It's not that I hate winter, but I can't say that it's my favorite season.  In fact, I can't blame it entirely on the weather because I suspect the crushing boredom of the place complicates the weather issues.  Simply put, South Dakota is a nice place for many people, just not for me.  Thus, I am not thankful for being here and I want to leave as soon as possible.

The point I'm trying to make is that one should be grateful for the good things in life but should also never settle for things that do not make one happy.  I try to keep things scenario based and I was just thinking how I would feel if I knew I had a serious health condition or only had x number of years to live.  I sure as hell wouldn't spend another minute in South Dakota.  It's not to say that I would settle in any particular place but I would certainly want to be somewhere with many more options for entertainment.  I think potential is the most satisfying part of anyone's life.  I know that I feel happiest when I know that there is the potential for doing something different.  I don't actually have to go here or do that, but I want the option of doing it should I choose.  I want to be able to go to the ocean and put my feet in the water if I wish, or walk around a vibrant downtown, or shop at IKEA, or see an IMAX movie, or go to see a play, etc.  I want the potential, and having potential would make me infinitely grateful and satisfied.  What depresses me most in life is the thought that I should be grateful for settling for less than what I want.  I may never have all that I want, but if I don't try then I truly will feel the failure.  I'm in a good mindset right now and trying to find the factors that help maintain that position.  I know that if I can find the small things that DO make me happy here where I don't want to be that I will be even more successful when I'm somewhere that I DO want to live.  That is what I think is the true key to happiness.

Cult of stupidity - Doomsday Edition

I know I've touched on this multiple times, but it seems more pervasive in the rush to declare for the 2012 elections.  With Jersey Shore, Jerseylicious, Real Housewives of ____, etc. there seems to be an ever increasing emphasis on superficiality and conformity in order to sell product.  I would take this into the political arena as well in that individuals are being "sold" a political ideology as a product.  It's the same marketing strategies employed for both media and product marketing.  "Watch show X because it has the raciest, sexiest whatever that will hold your attention for at least 20 min."  Unfortunately we are being cajoled into a mind numbing state of ADD where soundbites are all we have time to digest.  Thinking is becoming a luxury the majority of folks cannot afford because they political and corporate elite are feeding them a steady diet of things which they must consume in order to be popular.  However, this consumption requires increasing their workloads so that they have even less time to enjoy their lives, let alone THINK about the cycle in which they are hopelessly trapped.  I suspect that this is a hallmark of the decline of ALL major civilizations.  When the general population is no longer participatory then there will very quickly come a day when the majority, irrespective of their collective stupidity and cattle mentality, will stop for a quick breath and realize their predicament.  It is in the nature of human beings to question their existence, especially when stretched to their limits.  Time and again this has lead to revolutions, most recently in the middle east where political ideologies are being overthrown because the populace is tired of being told HOW to live their lives.  I would argue that things really aren't all THAT different here in the U.S.  The issue here is that we have a more commercialized identity with more toys and distractions to keep us from the truth around us.  Unfortunately this will ultimately lead to a more precipitous and hazardous fall.  In short, the crash is coming despite what the Federal Reserve, Congress, and the White House are saying.  It may not happen in my lifetime, but we are in a spiral that is constantly ratcheting up and there will be a release.  My greatest fear is that it will be in my lifetime.  Of course, for those who are aware of the situation, it might just be one hell of a show.  For the majority, it will be beyond their comprehension and I think that the recent rise in doomsday predictions is a subconscious expression of the collective knowledge that we cannot continue in our current path.  A rise in doomsday predictions have frequently presaged major social and financial upheavals.  Collectively we may act as sheeple, but on a base level we can feel the impending explosion.

Conformity

I find it interesting how many people run towards the middle while expecting to be singled out for greatness.  As a child I always wanted to feel like I fit in, but I never did.  In the late 70s I was one of the few fat kids and one of only two divorced kids at my school.  Granted, it was a private school but still I was very different than the rest.  My mom worked while most of the other moms stayed home or did charity work etc.  Their dads flew airplanes but my parents struggled to keep two households going.  I suppose there had to be some very deep seated awareness that I was gay, but that was so far of my radar growing up that it hardly seems part of the issue.  The situation was compounded by being an intelligent and shy child who others saw as a quiet, fat, stupid kid.  The problem was that while I was fat and quiet, I was not stupid, just bored.  I hated school because it was the same rote memorization and regurgitation day in and day out.  There was so little creative work that I just simply didn't care.  My grades weren't bad per se, but I just had no motivation.  When we did have creative activities in class or got to go sing in the choir or do ANYTHING that required actual thought I was in heaven.  I didn't even mind PE all that much except that I always tried to find way to hang out with the girls because the boys were always too rough for my taste.

I am sure that hanging out with girls all the time did nothing to dissuade anyone from labeling me as anything other than queer or weird or outsider.  Despite feeling aware of these perceptions I felt powerless to change them.  Feeling very insecure about my life at home and in the future did nothing to help.  My mom worked many long hours and I was always afraid we wouldn't have enough money or that we wouldn't make it or that something would happen to her.  Needless to say, childhood was not a great time for me.  The only time I really began to feel any sense of personal security and power was when I got my driver's license and a car.  That was the most amazing feeling in the world and I finally felt like I had some small control over my life.

Let's flash forward to the present.  In looking back over the past 30 years, I can see where trying to be like everyone else and "fit in" with ANY crowd has not been the greatest strategy.  There is nothing wrong with being a strong willed, intelligent person except for those in the middle who relentlessly try to tear you down for being different.  I started life at one edge of the fringe, tried to live in the middle, and now find myself running towards the other edge of the fringe.  Life truly is short, and it is too short to waste time on conformity and mediocrity.  I may not be the smartest person on the planet, but I'm not idiot.  And, while I still may be on the chubby side and still need help from my mom, I can at least pursue my own intellectual and personal growth.  In truth I can do things completely on my own, but old patterns seem to the easiest path to maintaining old ties.

I am tired of acting the way people expect me to act or look the way they expect me to look.  If you cannot accept the exceptional then I don't have much time for you.  More importantly, if you can't accept the exceptional in yourself then you are wasting your time.  We all have the ability to grow, but so many choose to huddle in the middle and grumble about why they aren't treated like they are worth something.  The truth there is that by huddling in the middle, you aren't worth much because you aren't doing much but trying to be like everyone else.

This is not to say that I don't run back to the middle on occasion, but at least I have the wit and understanding to recognize that there is something beyond the middle and that I have the intelligence, strength, and will to explore other regions.  Life is to be lived and while it is important to be grateful for what you have and for the people who love you, it is also important to be a leader out of the middle.  Sometimes I feel misunderstood and that is fine because it is not an error or fault on my behalf.

A tear in their beer . . . boohoohoo

I've been thinking a lot lately about why I am who I am and much of that comes from growing up as a closeted child.  Of course I didn't realize it at the time, but I think on a subconscious level I constantly tried to be who everyone else wanted me to be so that I wouldn't have to face my true self and in face BE true to myself.  Now that I'm much further down the path I am beginning to care less and less about the opinions of others.  I remember my uncle complaining about the fact that I played Viola and that I'd probably grow to be a "sissy."  Another person in my early years who shall remain nameless gave me crap about tucking my long, thick, curly hair behind my ears because it made me look like a girl.  Yet another person at church gave me crap about wearing my tube socks up over my calves and looking like a sissy.  Maybe I should have fought back all those years, but I didn't feel the self-worth or self-confidence to do that.  In hind sight I just want to kick them all in the nuts and tell them to shut the fuck up.  You're bullies and you're mean - go fuck yourselves!

Now to relate this tale to libraries (I know it's a huge switch, but hang with me here) . . . As a lot librarians frequently talk about how people don't understand us or they stereotype us as bun and knee-high wearing shushers.  We have endless discussions about how to change those attitudes and whether we should change the names of our associations to make them less "libraryish."  We talk about how what we do is so much more than just library work and put ourselves out there as "Information Professionals."   But wait, some say that invoking the "I" word puts is in direct competition with IT departments and the work that they do . . .

Excuse me, but what the hell is WRONG with being a librarian?  I may be stereotyped as such (a bit harder as a man who does NOT do drag), but that does not diminish what I do or who I am.  Ok, so people didn't like the way I behaved as a child because they (rightfully) pegged me as who I really am.  In truth I AM a librarian!  I LOVE doing library things!  I LOVE shelving books and cataloging materials and searching databases and helping people connect to information and cite things properly and teach people how to help themselves!  Most people never really think about librarians until they either have a SERIOUS need for help or have a REALLY bad interaction with a librarian.  Both situations prompt deep feelings of either relief or hatred and that, to me, is the crux of the problem.  Librarians exist at the extremes and rarely find splendor in the middle.

People either LOVE us because we were able to help them in a pinch or HATE us because we acted poorly and thus reinforced a stereotype of someone castigating them for _______ (insert bad behavior).  As an instructor of future librarians I get to read a great deal about how these students evaluate librarian interactions.  One of their assignments is to play a patron with a live librarian and a virtual librarian and compare the two interactions.  Part of this assignment is for them to see how different methods of interaction can affect the quality of the reference experience.  The other part is to really show them how bad some librarians are.  Certainly there are good and bad ____________s (insert profession), but in a profession that is already highly stereotyped and not fully understood there is an even greater problem when things go wrong.

There really is NO excuse for poor librarianship and it truly is a detriment to the profession.  A single bad experience can turn someone completely off of the library and they will never return.  I know, personally, that as an undergraduate I avoided the library constantly.  I'm not totally sure why I felt that way, but I'm sure part of it was that the card catalog (the one with REAL pieces of paper) was confusing as hell and I was pretty much too afraid of asking for help.  I was still recovering identity at that point and didn't want to stick out any more than I already did so I certainly wasn't going to give any librarian the opportunity to judge me as stupid (there's a whole other rant/blog post in this statement).

As librarians and indeed as human beings we really need to treat each other better and offer the best help that we can.  Sometimes that means admitting that you don't know what you're talking about and referring someone to a different person for better assistance.  So, I suppose the long and the short of this rant is that just like I had to learn to be who I am and embrace that, so do librarians.  We need to embrace what we do and who we are and put THAT image forward rather than trying to conform to other standards.  Let's set our OWN standards.  I don't have to be "faculty" at the university to make a valued contribution and rather trying to be a "faculty" member, I'd rather be a librarian who is respected by his peers for what he can do to help them.  I'm NOT like them, I'm a librarian and I think trying to be like someone else is selling both myself and my profession short.

Untelligence

I'm beginning to think that intellect and intelligent people no longer have ANY place in our society.  I also think that Capitalism has been displaced by Consumerism.  It seems that we consume everything, especially idiocy.  Does it really matter what Sarah Palin or Harry Reid have to say?  They're both politicians and neither behaves in a particular "smart" way.  Everyone in politics blames in on everyone else.  Personal ethics seem dead and Snooki is now far more important than Rosa Parks.  Honestly, it seems that most Americans are more concerned about what happened on Dancing with the Stars than recalling any bit of American history and why they have the freedom to be completely stupid.

Politics is now driven by the media and people suck heartily from that teat.  If you doubt the veracity of my claims, look at the political headlines over the past 4 months.  How many states had completely stupid bills before their legislatures?  How many of them actually passed?  In South Dakota a woman will now have to wait three days and receive counseling from an unlicensed (mostly religious based) counselor before she can have an abortion.  Where the hell is the civil liberty in that?  Does someone have to wait any period of time and receive counseling to own a gun?  Why no, in fact, some idiot in Pierre (that's pronounced "Pier" here) introduced a bill that would require citizens of the state to carry firearms.  What the hell is wrong with this picture?  Where do these people come from?

I can't answer the last answer honestly, but P.T. Barnum would be having a field day if he were alive!  These people are grandstanding and trying to make an issue out of nothing so that they will look like they are doing something that their constituents think they should be doing because they saw it on Fox News the previous night that the fags were trying to take over and make everyone decorate their houses to NOT look like country kitsch so that . . . . .  That is how I see the script for America these days and heads to a single finality in the media world; jumping the shark and cancellation.  The reason America could be brought down is because stupid people continue to find ways to circumvent the Constitution and "re-interpret" in their own light.  Or, by stating that the Constitution doesn't really say anything about beating tranny hookers to death, so it must be ok.  Besides, the bible condones that, right?

The increase in stupidity in this country will be reflected in court composition over the coming decades as personal politics and idiocy creep into the legal system.  The system is supposedly there to protect people, but in the end it is only as safe as the people who maintain it.  If you elect or appoint judges who have agendas or hold strong political leanings, then you begin descending a mighty slippery slope which will destroy civil liberty.  It can happen in Wisconsin and it can happen in D.C.  I think it has already begun in both places.  The law should NOT be political in it's interpretation.  However, the popular media certainly pushes things in that direction.  At this point, we truly are at the mercy of spin doctors who create issues from nothing and make them national crises.  But hey, that really pumps up the ratings, right?  Maybe we should ask Katie Couric how she feels about that.

I'm begging to truly despise the media, or at least the mainstream media because they are about profit and numbers.  Journalism is, in theory, based on finding the facts, but where ARE the facts in the news?  Lately, most of it seems to be about reporting what happened not analysis of what happened.  Unless there is mayhem and disorder involved or the story is one that pulls on the heart strings, then it's not newsworthy and you won't hear about it.  This just adds to the cult of stupidity among Americans.  We come to accept that fact is irrelevant but what happened is fascinating.  We don't care why it happened, but we do care how it happened.  Or, at the very least, what the outcome was.  Does anyone remember Haiti right now?

Life is so short and we waste so much of it on useless tripe . . . I'm going to the gym!

Judgments

As I get older I find myself following the path of so many before, becoming more opinionated.  I think it's a natural transition and in truth it just feels comfortable.  However, I am also aware that with strong opinion comes and equally strong backlash of judgments.  Many folks who follow me on FB and other venues will notice my increasingly opinionated posts about religion and christianity in particular.  Yes, I was raised to believe a certain set of mystical facts but I now see the fallacy in those assumptions.  They simply don't work for me anymore.  The explanations are just not satisfying.  It is difficult to let such deeply ingrained beliefs go and I do believe that there is something even deeper within the enculturation process which almost requires us to hold a spiritual belief of some stripe.

In no way is this intended in an arrogant tone, but intellectually I feel that I've grown beyond the need for religion.  We all exist in various stages of development and these are not necessarily correlated within chronology.  While I may personally find a strong tie to a particular religion something of an intellectual weakness, the biggest issue I have with religious adherents is that they frequently fail to question their beliefs.  Perhaps it is all of the scientific training kicking in, but more than one sage human has noted that unexamined life is really not life.  We are a naturally curious species and if we fail to question some of the most basic premises of our existence then we are just existing and not living.

I have many christian friends, spiritual friends, and atheist friends but the ones who I really enjoy are the ones who question.  People who don't constantly ask "why" bore me to tears.  I love having discussions, especially passionate ones, about religion and life.  I want to understand how others construct their reality and conceive of the world in which we live.  And, while it drives me crazy to hear people say that they owe this or that to god, I accept that that is their understanding of things.  There have been any number of folks who have tried to convince me to believe one thing or another over my life, and sometimes I've drunk the KoolAid.  However, I have found that the truest form of character is self-determination.

As a human being, I need to discover myself and my place in this world, and in that discovery I need to be true to my beliefs.  I am letting go of that anger I feel towards christianity.  I try to temper my knowledge of the death and destruction wrought by christians with my experience of compassion and understanding by the same group.  Of course this spectrum of good and evil is not unique to this single type of religious belief, but since it is the one with which I have the most experience it is where I lay the greatest criticism.  I am coming to a fuller understanding of secular humanism and the belief that we need to help each other as people without imposing our beliefs on each other.  I help people because I care, not because I feel compelled to be a better [insert spiritual affiliation].

The problem with my beliefs and my opinions is that I fear others will judge me harshly and publicly.  In this age of public sharing through social media, we can easily come to understand more about our friends and family than we might otherwise know.  The somewhat impersonal nature of the medium coupled with its low cost and easy access can easily make anyone their own Socrates.  We are increasingly open with our feelings and opinions because most folks out there will never bother to read what we write, yet we feel the voyeuristic need to put ourselves out there if for no other reason than to find like-minded folks.  However, this connectivity can have large impacts in our lives and that really is the meat of my thoughts right now.

Future employers, professional colleagues, and other people with sway over our lives can view what we share and make judgments about our "worthiness."  My knee-jerk reaction is to censor what I write or what images I post, and that is the same censorship I rail against as an academic.  My opinions are simply that, mine and they sometimes have little bearing on how I conduct myself professionally or privately.  I like to feel that I can put myself above my opinions to take the high road of life.  This is not to say that I don't really believe what I believe, but that I can accept the fact that we have to work collectively.  We are a social species and when conflict arises we need to move to an intellectual arena rather than an emotional arena to move past blockages.

While emotion does inform us and drive us, we need to focus on intellect to come to logical compromise so that we can proceed.  When we stop and stoop to judgment of others, we have begun to slip down the slope.  This focus on emotion drives more poor decisions, death, and destruction than any natural disaster.  In truth, what we do in our private lives or feel in our hearts and minds should have little bearing on our abilities to perform our jobs or work collectively.  Does it really matter if Bill Clinton had an affair or George Bush did drugs?  Did these personal behavior affect their ability to govern?  I would argue not, and that the real difference between the two is intellect and rationality.  One is an archetype of the intellectual while the other is far from that mark.  However, both men were judged more harshly on their private lives than on their public work.

I feel that in time Clinton will come to be seen in a far more positive light not just for the good things that he did but also for his wisdom in surrounding himself with intelligent support teams.  Bush, on the other hand, will be judged far more harshly as a stupid puppet at the hands of his fathers cronies.  That aside, the biggest problem I have with both presidents is not their public decisions, but the fact that their private lives received so much scrutiny.  Personally, I don't really care what the president does in the bedroom or the bar as long as he runs the country well.

To return to religion and judgement (and politics) I think that too many people bring their religion into the voting booth.  We are a secular society and when you vote based on your religious beliefs, you are forcing others to live by those rules.  Again, I see this as a gross lack of intellect as well as compassion.  I vote for things that I believe are the best for the individual and for the country.  I try my best to vote for individual liberty and freedom of choice, but only because I believe we should all be able to choose to live the best life we can.  When you impose your religion on me through the electoral process, I am no longer a free person.  You impinge my personal liberty and my ability to make my own choices.  While I do not believe that abortion is the answer, I believe that the individual must make the decision not the majority.  If you don't believe in abortion then don't have one.  I know that is overly cliche' but it is at the heart of the matter.

My greatest wish in life is that we could all be free to believe and live as we choose, and I would hope that my friends would accept that and choose accordingly.  I may not agree with your religious beliefs, but I would not force my beliefs on you the way you force yours on me.  And most importantly, I would not judge you based on your beliefs and opinions.