Conformity

I find it interesting how many people run towards the middle while expecting to be singled out for greatness.  As a child I always wanted to feel like I fit in, but I never did.  In the late 70s I was one of the few fat kids and one of only two divorced kids at my school.  Granted, it was a private school but still I was very different than the rest.  My mom worked while most of the other moms stayed home or did charity work etc.  Their dads flew airplanes but my parents struggled to keep two households going.  I suppose there had to be some very deep seated awareness that I was gay, but that was so far of my radar growing up that it hardly seems part of the issue.  The situation was compounded by being an intelligent and shy child who others saw as a quiet, fat, stupid kid.  The problem was that while I was fat and quiet, I was not stupid, just bored.  I hated school because it was the same rote memorization and regurgitation day in and day out.  There was so little creative work that I just simply didn't care.  My grades weren't bad per se, but I just had no motivation.  When we did have creative activities in class or got to go sing in the choir or do ANYTHING that required actual thought I was in heaven.  I didn't even mind PE all that much except that I always tried to find way to hang out with the girls because the boys were always too rough for my taste.

I am sure that hanging out with girls all the time did nothing to dissuade anyone from labeling me as anything other than queer or weird or outsider.  Despite feeling aware of these perceptions I felt powerless to change them.  Feeling very insecure about my life at home and in the future did nothing to help.  My mom worked many long hours and I was always afraid we wouldn't have enough money or that we wouldn't make it or that something would happen to her.  Needless to say, childhood was not a great time for me.  The only time I really began to feel any sense of personal security and power was when I got my driver's license and a car.  That was the most amazing feeling in the world and I finally felt like I had some small control over my life.

Let's flash forward to the present.  In looking back over the past 30 years, I can see where trying to be like everyone else and "fit in" with ANY crowd has not been the greatest strategy.  There is nothing wrong with being a strong willed, intelligent person except for those in the middle who relentlessly try to tear you down for being different.  I started life at one edge of the fringe, tried to live in the middle, and now find myself running towards the other edge of the fringe.  Life truly is short, and it is too short to waste time on conformity and mediocrity.  I may not be the smartest person on the planet, but I'm not idiot.  And, while I still may be on the chubby side and still need help from my mom, I can at least pursue my own intellectual and personal growth.  In truth I can do things completely on my own, but old patterns seem to the easiest path to maintaining old ties.

I am tired of acting the way people expect me to act or look the way they expect me to look.  If you cannot accept the exceptional then I don't have much time for you.  More importantly, if you can't accept the exceptional in yourself then you are wasting your time.  We all have the ability to grow, but so many choose to huddle in the middle and grumble about why they aren't treated like they are worth something.  The truth there is that by huddling in the middle, you aren't worth much because you aren't doing much but trying to be like everyone else.

This is not to say that I don't run back to the middle on occasion, but at least I have the wit and understanding to recognize that there is something beyond the middle and that I have the intelligence, strength, and will to explore other regions.  Life is to be lived and while it is important to be grateful for what you have and for the people who love you, it is also important to be a leader out of the middle.  Sometimes I feel misunderstood and that is fine because it is not an error or fault on my behalf.